The Space Between The Worlds

I am not even sure that title makes any sense except to me. I have been in California for 5 months now. I have not had anything to do other than to help out my mom and my sister. I am trying to get a job to make some money while I am out here. I picked up crocheting and baking again. I’m trying to push myself on the bike. The other day, I went 4 miles roundtrip. I know that is not a lot, but it is a start. I have been trying to fill the days with something. Anything to break the silence. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like silence. When I am cooking, I turn on the music. When I was in school, I had two or three movies that I would play while I was doing homework. Even while I am typing this I am listening to music so that I can focus. At least, that is what I tell myself. I am not so sure anymore. At some point, I have to deal with the silence. I have to approach the things that are going on in my head and the situations that have shaped who I am r...

You know, one of the beauties of democracy is the secret ballot. You can hear and read all of the ads, articles, radio shows, and sermons but once you step into the booth or check the box, it is all you. You have to make a choice between two people who are qualified to run the country but have different approaches. No one is putting a gun to your head or threatening your family or watching you in the ballot box to make sure you vote the right way. We may not have those extreme examples but we do have some people in powerful and persuasive positions that, I think, should not use their power to affect the vote of the people that follow them. This is America. The land of the free. Home of the brave. Why wouldn't people who are in positions of power either keep out of it or show both sides of the coin? My campus pastor in college did a wonderful demonstration in our chapel one day right before Election Day. He did the pros and cons of each candidate and then urged us to research ev...

This is a random topic for me because I do not often talk about it but today is different for some reason. I think it has a lot to do with certain people interrogating me about dating habits or giving me unwarranted advice or "introducing" me to someone. It's hard not to think about it. I know that I do not have much knowledge or experience the relationship department but I think that I have become somewhat of a promoter of being single. Like if singleness had a PR position open, I would apply for it.  I enjoy being single. I enjoy the freedom that I have. I love going and coming whenever I want. I have accomplished so many things and have had so many great experiences that I would never want to take back.  I think being single in my 20s is a wonderful decision that I made. That's all. No buts. I just love it. It's when the relationship part becomes a possible reality that has me frazzled sometimes. I have had many examples of wonderful marriages/relatio...

I completely understand how ridiculous and crazy and wrong this is going to sound. I could have done something. Anything. I could have stopped my dad from dying in some way. Given him my kidney. Been there more often. Been a better daughter. Something! I feel like every time I think about my dad, I have this huge burden of guilt that I have been carrying this whole time. It's not totally unnecessary guilt. I wasn't there when he died. I was off being a good student leader and helping out with a choir retreat. As always, I put work before my family. The one time that it mattered the most for me to be there. I just wasn't. These feelings seem to keep getting stronger. It will be 6 years in January. It's supposed to get easier, right? I know that I have expressed this before but I miss being special. You know, that feeling that only a dad can give his daughter? The one that says no matter what you do or who you become, you will always be his little girl. Th...

I am not sure how to put into words what is brewing in my mind. It's not that it is something that is hard for me to understand or even that it is extremely emotional. I miss God. I miss him being the whole reason that I live. I miss him being in control of my life. I miss turning to him when I have a need, question, or talking session. This isn't a night where I am sitting on my bed crying because I miss my loved ones. It's a night of realization that I have been neglecting the most important person in my life. I have been allowing myself to blame and mistrust God. God took away MY dad and MY grandpa and MY grandma. I felt abandoned and that God stole something from me even though they were not mine to begin with. They were always, and still are, completely his. I have created this barrier between us because I have felt hurt and alone for a long time and it was all God's fault. I thought God had to prove to me that he was trustworthy. That he could do what he...

...and I'm going to act like it. I have a tendency to linger in past mistakes, decisions, and memories way too long. You might be able to relate. I analyze and dissect situations until I think everything is worked out. It is part of what makes me a good leader and sometimes frustrates those of the less patient persuasion. I have been like that all my life. Never wanting to make a mistake but when I do, beating myself up for not taking more time or not doing enough research or not talking to God enough. But you know what? I am tired of it. I don't want to linger in the past. I don't want to make sure that everything is handled before I step out there. I want to trust that God is going to let me in on the secret when I am good and ready. I know that I have a rough past few years that I need to deal with and talk about, but I also need to keep in mind that I have a wonderful future ahead of me. I know it's not the one I planned but I am just going to have to get used...

It is so weird to have an association with a place that you would never think you would have. Today, I went to San Jose to pick up a couch for mi madre with a lovely, fabulous, and downright awesome friend and we had to travel through the country to get to the I-5. At about halfway down this road, crossing over canals and passing dairies and almond orchards, I realized that I was smiling and surprisingly in a familiar state of mind. I felt comfortable and I loved it. When I realized this feeling, I tried to figure out why. This was the road that we normally took to go fishing in the canal with my dad, grandpa, grandma, and sister. Our family fished all the time. I used to love to string the worm on the hook or wrap the chicken livers with a string to the hook or watch as my grandma caught more fish than all of us while she was sleeping with her little bell attached to the end of her pole. It was awesome to relive some of those memories. It made me miss those people and trips in m...

I am supposed to be having this great time of rest with my family. You know, reconnecting, having conversations that we haven't been able to have because of the distance, and just flat out being a family. But it has been such a struggle. I am a person that needs to be doing something all the time. Have a purpose. Feel like a productive member of society...not a bum who is living with my mother. I know that I am helping my mom out while she is recovering from surgery but that only confirmed the fact that I could never be a stay-at-home mom. All my friends are 1.5 hours away so I don't see them as much as I want. I don't have a job so there is not a money flow going. I was just so used to the lavish RD lifestyle. Lol. My sister lives 1.5 hours away so I don't see her or the chirrens as much as I want. So, as I was wallowing at my own little pity party that no one came to and I had to buy everything myself (haha), I realized that I have the wrong perception of ...

A couple nights ago, I could not get to sleep for the life of me. And when I did, it was not restful, at all. But, it is unbelievable how grateful I am for that night. During the hours that I was actually able to sleep, I had an interesting dream. I normally do not look too much into my dreams because they are usually pretty crazy, but I just could not ignore this one. It stuck out to me for a reason, right? Well, here we go. I was apparently in a game or something like that where I had to complete challenges to get to the next level. As, I was doing each challenge, I noticed that I could not see the end, at all. I kept going anyway. I can only remember one challenge that I had to do. Well, I get to this room and there are rows of vegetables and an old man that is sitting at a pond fishing out these huge fish. I don't really know what I am supposed to be doing so I start pulling up the vegetables and the old man looks over at me and says, "I need to do this challenge for y...

Ok.... So.... Crying sucks. It makes your head pound, eyes all puffy, and there is so much fluid coming out of everywhere you don't know what to do. Oh, and don't forget the thing that you are crying about. That is like a whole other league of symptoms that attack your heart so viciously that all you can do is fall to your knees and beg God for comfort. He is usually pretty good about giving it. But what happens when there is no comfort? When there are just questions without answers. Falling asleep still crying instead of with a smile. Wishing that your dreams will bring some sort of closure or comfort.  What happens then? Is God still there?  Sometimes, I have a hard time believing he still is. Sometimes, I don't "feel" his presence. Sometimes, I feel utterly alone. I know that as a long time Christian, God is always there with us. Guiding and helping us through whatever we are leaning on him for. But it is hard. I want that physical comfort to come...

I don't know what it is about this week that makes me think of my dad so much. It just seems to be a theme for me lately. Maybe it's because of his birthday coming soon. Maybe I just haven't talked about him an a long time. I just miss him so much. It's pretty strong this time. I kind of broke down a few nights ago just thinking about him. I miss everything about him. I sometimes forget that I am the only one that is like me in my family now. When I went home, I was able to find an outlet for my nerdiness because my dad was the same way. I was able to talk about politics, current events, theology, and life. I know that I have that now with all my friends and colleagues. But I long for that in my family. I want to feel accepted fully in my family rather than be looked at as a work-in-progress. I feel like I am more myself than I have ever been and I want that to be celebrated. I miss being celebrated. I miss being understood when I go home. I don't need much....

I hate having the times where you just need a hug and no one is there to help you with that. So, you sit there and dwell on it instead of thinking about and moving on. I am telling you that it does get easier. Right after my dad died, I was not able to speak his name without bursting into tears. I do a lot better now. I don't always break down. But, some times are harder than others. I was watching a show and one of the characters was trying to find their dad. This definitely got to me. I started to relive how important my dad was to me and how much I want him back in my life. I have had many times where I have been going through something and all I want to do is to talk to my dad about it. The one person that I want to talk to is out of reach. I am glad that he is in a better place and that he has no more pain but where does that leave me? When can I live without this pain in my life? That was a question I asked often and still ask occasionally. For the longest time, I felt as...

I thought I could do it. I thought I could talk about the people that mean the most to me and reminisce about the love that they shared with me. I thought I could relive those memories and be ok. I thought I could do it and not think about it for the rest of the day. Well, I can't. At least not right now. I don't feel like I am at the point where I am ready to let that all out so quickly. I hadn't thought about some of that stuff in years. It would bring me to tears but would do more harm than good. So, I have decided to hold off on the memory recording for the sake of my own emotional being. It will get there. Just not right now.

I am part of the Randolph dynasty that is known in the Turlock, CA area. Well, in some circles. My grandparents were very involved in different ministries and had lots of "family" around town. I went to a thrift store where my grandma helped out all the time because they had some really cool stuff. It was right next to the post office. So, every time we went to the post office, my sister and I would beg my dad to take us into the store so that we could spend whatever little money we had. I loved the store because it was in an old house and you could go anywhere and find all kinds of trinkets and treasures. My grandma was not there but we went in just to look around. A woman comes up to me and asks, "Are you Roberta Randolph's granddaugher?" I said, "Yes, ma'am." She said, "I thought so. You look so much like her. You are a very beautiful young lady. Your grandmother is a wonderful woman." I said, "She is the best grandma! I hope to b...

This is going to be a short one but it makes me laugh. My dad was an amazing guy. I loved him so much. He taught me so much but one of the things that I did not enjoy was when he would ask us to get him something. Whenever we got up or even if we were not getting up, he would ask us to make him a sandwich or get the remote or get him something to drink.  It was awful. Well, as awful as it gets when children do not want to do something for their parents. My sister and I would try to not even go to the bathroom so that we could avoid getting him something from the kitchen. It was so ridiculous. We were such pains. My dad was sick and most of the time he would just need us to get him a PB&J sandwich to help with his sugar levels but we didn't care. We were just lazy and did not want to do it. It is funny how now, I would do anything to have the opportunity to get him a PB&J again.

My family is a very musical family and my dad was no different. He used to sing in a quartet. My grandpa was a beautiful tenor. And I can hold a note or two. My dad was the pastor of a very small church. You know, the kind of church where the pastor's family did everything. Well, that meant that we were in charge of the music, too. I would sing, my dad would play the guitar, and my sister would play the piano. My dad was notorious for letting me know the morning of service what we were going to sing. This particular morning was special. We were celebrating the anniversary of another pastor's ministry. I was sitting in the pew just chillin'. My dad looks at me and motions that he wants me up there with him. So, I go up there and stand by him and he whispers in my ear "let's sing Heaven Came Down." I said yes because he was my dad but I was a little intimidated. There were a lot of people there. We sang. We sounded so good together. I miss us singing. I mi...

Here is a memory that will always be in my heart. My family was big on fishing. My grandparents loved it. My parents loved it. My cousins loved it. I loved it. My grandpa had a worm bed that he was so proud of. Our favorite part of fishing was when we got to go out and get the worms. We got to find the biggest and juiciest and put them in our little Tupperware to carry with us to the canal. It was my first time that I would actually fish on my own. I had my own little pole that was pink or something hotly like that. My grandpa showed me how string the worm onto the hook so that it will stay there. It was gross at first but you get used to it. So, I get the worm on there and cast my line. And I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. Finally my pole started to shake! I got so excited! My grandpa talked me through what to do. He kept telling me that can't just reel them in right away. I had to do a little give and take so they are tired out and will fight less. (I...

You have to love the Lenten season. It's about sacrifice and reflecting on our own lives and how we have put things that we shouldn't before our relationship with God. We reflect on the strength that Jesus had and how we can translate that to our own lives. I have been thinking about what I am going to give up for Lent and it has stumped me. I want to give up hitting the snooze button but I want it to be so much more than that. I want to make my mornings a better place for me. I want to get up and accomplish something rather than just trying to get 10 more minutes of sleep. So, what am I going to do? Yep. I am going to blog in the mornings. I am going to blog every morning for 40 days. I am going to talk about one memory that I have of my dad, grandpa, or grandma. I have so many wonderful memories that need to be shared. Life lessons. I want to share that with you all as well as write them down so that I can actually remember them. I was very fortunate to have such great ro...

I know that I talked about choosing a template in my last post but I just had to come back to it because there was something else that interested me about the picture. If you look at it, you can see that there is a mountain in the background but the picture is focused on the rain. Ain't that the truth. I feel like sometimes I am too focused on the rain that I cannot see the wonderful mountain that is in the background. I know that rain is good for the earth. It helps things grow and brings renewal. It can also bring destruction. Maybe that is why I am so cognizant of the rain. I know that it can hurt and destroy. I know that it comes when you least expect it. I know that it always shows up when you don't want it. Hm...maybe I need to change my perspective. If I were to look at the rain as a blessing rather than an inconvenience I would probably love it a lot more. Rain is great when you have the right equipment. You know, umbrellas, raincoat, rain boots, ability to s...

You know, I was looking at the different templates for the blogs. I went through all of them but I kept coming back to one.  It was the rain. I don't know why I was drawn to it so much but it really spoke to me. I guess I could say that it is kind of what I am going through right now. I am in a huge transition in my life. I don't know what is going to be happening and I am ok with that. I am finally able to feel as though I am beginning to give control to God. It has been a hard journey up to this point and I am just tired of trying to do it on my own. Not that I was by myself, but that I thought I could do it on my own strength. So dumb. I can't do anything on my own strength. I need God. I need my family. I need my friends. I have been crawling in the rain for a long time. Trying to find shelter or an umbrella. I guess I am starting to realize that they have been there the whole time trying to save me from the rain. Hopefully, I will be strong enough to accept the...

So, this day has come around every year for the past 5 years. 5 years. Damn. 5 years ago, I was normal. 5 years ago, my family was complete. 5 years ago, I didn’t have trouble sleeping every night. 5 years ago, the wisdom, love, and laughter of my dad was still there. You know, you think that I would miss the major things about him. It is the little things that were normal to me that I miss so much. The fact that I would always have someone to answer car questions. Being called “Baby Girl.” Getting kissed on the hand. Saying, “Good night, daddy” knowing that I will hear, “Good night, sweetie.” The long talks about life that used to occur at 2am. There are a few things that I miss the most: For those of you that know me well know that I like to laugh. Well, that is definitely a family trait. My dad had the best laugh. It was one of those deep belly laughs that made his whole belly shake. This is where I learned to laugh without inhibitions. To laugh as loud and hard as I could and n...