Skip to main content

Time of rest or boredom? Depends on the day.

I am supposed to be having this great time of rest with my family. You know, reconnecting, having conversations that we haven't been able to have because of the distance, and just flat out being a family. But it has been such a struggle.

I am a person that needs to be doing something all the time. Have a purpose. Feel like a productive member of society...not a bum who is living with my mother.

I know that I am helping my mom out while she is recovering from surgery but that only confirmed the fact that I could never be a stay-at-home mom.

All my friends are 1.5 hours away so I don't see them as much as I want.

I don't have a job so there is not a money flow going. I was just so used to the lavish RD lifestyle. Lol.

My sister lives 1.5 hours away so I don't see her or the chirrens as much as I want.

So, as I was wallowing at my own little pity party that no one came to and I had to buy everything myself (haha), I realized that I have the wrong perception of the situation. I have been looking at what being in Cali could be doing for me. What I need to do is to see how I can impact Cali in anyway that I can. If that means that I need to straighten up my attitude, then let's do it. If it means that I find a church, where are the yellow pages (you remember those, right? Big-ass yellow books that they used to put on your doorstep that were always outdated by the time you got them. Yeah, you used to live by them before we got all technological.)? If it means me volunteering for something, boom, there I am.

Something has to change. It's not going to be the people around me. It needs to start with me.

Lord,
Lead me in a way that will be fulfilling and life-giving. Show me the ways in which I can allow you to work in me and through me. Teach me how to impact whatever situation I am in. Give me guidance for this season and the next so that I can praise you in everything that I do. I love you and thank you for loving me unconditionally in return. Give dad, grandpa, and grandma a huge hug and kiss for me!

Love,
Your Little Girl

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I coulda.....well, maybe if I woulda.....

I completely understand how ridiculous and crazy and wrong this is going to sound. I could have done something. Anything. I could have stopped my dad from dying in some way. Given him my kidney. Been there more often. Been a better daughter. Something! I feel like every time I think about my dad, I have this huge burden of guilt that I have been carrying this whole time. It's not totally unnecessary guilt. I wasn't there when he died. I was off being a good student leader and helping out with a choir retreat. As always, I put work before my family. The one time that it mattered the most for me to be there. I just wasn't. These feelings seem to keep getting stronger. It will be 6 years in January. It's supposed to get easier, right? I know that I have expressed this before but I miss being special. You know, that feeling that only a dad can give his daughter? The one that says no matter what you do or who you become, you will always be his little girl. Th...
Post a Comment
Read more

3:30am Ramblings

I hate having the times where you just need a hug and no one is there to help you with that. So, you sit there and dwell on it instead of thinking about and moving on. I am telling you that it does get easier. Right after my dad died, I was not able to speak his name without bursting into tears. I do a lot better now. I don't always break down. But, some times are harder than others. I was watching a show and one of the characters was trying to find their dad. This definitely got to me. I started to relive how important my dad was to me and how much I want him back in my life. I have had many times where I have been going through something and all I want to do is to talk to my dad about it. The one person that I want to talk to is out of reach. I am glad that he is in a better place and that he has no more pain but where does that leave me? When can I live without this pain in my life? That was a question I asked often and still ask occasionally. For the longest time, I felt as...
Post a Comment
Read more

If you just realize what I just realized...

I am not sure how to put into words what is brewing in my mind. It's not that it is something that is hard for me to understand or even that it is extremely emotional. I miss God. I miss him being the whole reason that I live. I miss him being in control of my life. I miss turning to him when I have a need, question, or talking session. This isn't a night where I am sitting on my bed crying because I miss my loved ones. It's a night of realization that I have been neglecting the most important person in my life. I have been allowing myself to blame and mistrust God. God took away MY dad and MY grandpa and MY grandma. I felt abandoned and that God stole something from me even though they were not mine to begin with. They were always, and still are, completely his. I have created this barrier between us because I have felt hurt and alone for a long time and it was all God's fault. I thought God had to prove to me that he was trustworthy. That he could do what he...
Post a Comment
Read more