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3:30am Ramblings

I hate having the times where you just need a hug and no one is there to help you with that. So, you sit there and dwell on it instead of thinking about and moving on. I am telling you that it does get easier. Right after my dad died, I was not able to speak his name without bursting into tears. I do a lot better now. I don't always break down. But, some times are harder than others.

I was watching a show and one of the characters was trying to find their dad. This definitely got to me. I started to relive how important my dad was to me and how much I want him back in my life. I have had many times where I have been going through something and all I want to do is to talk to my dad about it. The one person that I want to talk to is out of reach. I am glad that he is in a better place and that he has no more pain but where does that leave me? When can I live without this pain in my life?

That was a question I asked often and still ask occasionally. For the longest time, I felt as though God was completely present and at the same time he was miles away. He loved me so deeply and was disappointed in me. I never knew where I was going to be in my relationship with God. Most of the time, I still don't. But I think that is the beauty of the relationship between God and me.

He's ok with me....being me.

He knows that I love him with my full heart. He knows that everything I do is in gratitude to him. He knows that I need time to come to grips with reality. To come to grips with my family being different. To come to grips with the pain. To come to grips with the feelings of abandonment. To come to grips with the idea of a new paradigm.

To come to grips with my dad, grandpa, and grandma being gone.

The reassuring thing is that it will get there. Not any time soon but it will get there.

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