The Space Between The Worlds

I don't know what it is about this week that makes me think of my dad so much. It just seems to be a theme for me lately. Maybe it's because of his birthday coming soon. Maybe I just haven't talked about him an a long time. I just miss him so much. It's pretty strong this time. I kind of broke down a few nights ago just thinking about him. I miss everything about him. I sometimes forget that I am the only one that is like me in my family now. When I went home, I was able to find an outlet for my nerdiness because my dad was the same way. I was able to talk about politics, current events, theology, and life. I know that I have that now with all my friends and colleagues. But I long for that in my family. I want to feel accepted fully in my family rather than be looked at as a work-in-progress. I feel like I am more myself than I have ever been and I want that to be celebrated. I miss being celebrated. I miss being understood when I go home. I don't need much....

I hate having the times where you just need a hug and no one is there to help you with that. So, you sit there and dwell on it instead of thinking about and moving on. I am telling you that it does get easier. Right after my dad died, I was not able to speak his name without bursting into tears. I do a lot better now. I don't always break down. But, some times are harder than others. I was watching a show and one of the characters was trying to find their dad. This definitely got to me. I started to relive how important my dad was to me and how much I want him back in my life. I have had many times where I have been going through something and all I want to do is to talk to my dad about it. The one person that I want to talk to is out of reach. I am glad that he is in a better place and that he has no more pain but where does that leave me? When can I live without this pain in my life? That was a question I asked often and still ask occasionally. For the longest time, I felt as...

I thought I could do it. I thought I could talk about the people that mean the most to me and reminisce about the love that they shared with me. I thought I could relive those memories and be ok. I thought I could do it and not think about it for the rest of the day. Well, I can't. At least not right now. I don't feel like I am at the point where I am ready to let that all out so quickly. I hadn't thought about some of that stuff in years. It would bring me to tears but would do more harm than good. So, I have decided to hold off on the memory recording for the sake of my own emotional being. It will get there. Just not right now.