Skip to main content

The 5th Anniversary of My Dad's Death

So, this day has come around every year for the past 5 years. 5 years. Damn. 5 years ago, I was normal. 5 years ago, my family was complete. 5 years ago, I didn’t have trouble sleeping every night. 5 years ago, the wisdom, love, and laughter of my dad was still there. You know, you think that I would miss the major things about him. It is the little things that were normal to me that I miss so much. The fact that I would always have someone to answer car questions. Being called “Baby Girl.” Getting kissed on the hand. Saying, “Good night, daddy” knowing that I will hear, “Good night, sweetie.” The long talks about life that used to occur at 2am. There are a few things that I miss the most:
  • For those of you that know me well know that I like to laugh. Well, that is definitely a family trait. My dad had the best laugh. It was one of those deep belly laughs that made his whole belly shake. This is where I learned to laugh without inhibitions. To laugh as loud and hard as I could and not be ashamed. If only there was a chance to hear it again.
  • My dad had a love for people that was infectious. I learned how to love others unconditionally. No matter who they are or what they have done. It is more important to show the love of God to them than to judge them. I loved this about my dad. He just had the ability to make people feel at ease and love him right on the spot.
  • The thing that I probably miss the most is the feeling that I am ok being who I am. As I got older, our conversations became just that…conversations. Not lectures. I was able to become my own person and was praised for doing so. I was able to have my own opinion and that was ok. You see, my mom and sister are a lot alike in their ways of thinking ab5out and dealing different issues. I am most like my dad and it is hard to not have that connection anymore. To have that one person that you want in your corner just not there. This has been the hardest transition to deal with.
I have been so blessed to have had such a wonderful relationship with a father who loved and was there for me. I have nothing but wonderful memories and life lessons to hold on to. Some could not even say that about the current relationship they have with their dad. Even though it is an awful and crippling feeling sometimes to know that I will not see him again in this life, I am honored for the opportunity to learn from him. The opportunity to be a part of his life. The opportunity to love him. It is such an interesting journey that I am on to continue to find healing from all of this and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

To my dad: I love you. I miss you so much. You have been such a wonderful influence on my life and who I am turning into. Thank you for all you have taught me. I love you.
Oh, and the 49ers almost went to the Super Bowl! Wait, was that you? Haha. Calm down people. I’m kidding.

Comments

  1. MoffFebruary 21, 2012 at 6:01 PM

    This is beautiful, Celisse... thanks for sharing this meditation on your Dad's life and influence on you. (hug)

    ReplyDelete
  2. CelisseFebruary 21, 2012 at 10:15 PM

    He was such an integral part of my life and I hope that I will be able to make him proud with what I have to say about him. He was wonderful.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I coulda.....well, maybe if I woulda.....

I completely understand how ridiculous and crazy and wrong this is going to sound. I could have done something. Anything. I could have stopped my dad from dying in some way. Given him my kidney. Been there more often. Been a better daughter. Something! I feel like every time I think about my dad, I have this huge burden of guilt that I have been carrying this whole time. It's not totally unnecessary guilt. I wasn't there when he died. I was off being a good student leader and helping out with a choir retreat. As always, I put work before my family. The one time that it mattered the most for me to be there. I just wasn't. These feelings seem to keep getting stronger. It will be 6 years in January. It's supposed to get easier, right? I know that I have expressed this before but I miss being special. You know, that feeling that only a dad can give his daughter? The one that says no matter what you do or who you become, you will always be his little girl. Th...
Post a Comment
Read more

3:30am Ramblings

I hate having the times where you just need a hug and no one is there to help you with that. So, you sit there and dwell on it instead of thinking about and moving on. I am telling you that it does get easier. Right after my dad died, I was not able to speak his name without bursting into tears. I do a lot better now. I don't always break down. But, some times are harder than others. I was watching a show and one of the characters was trying to find their dad. This definitely got to me. I started to relive how important my dad was to me and how much I want him back in my life. I have had many times where I have been going through something and all I want to do is to talk to my dad about it. The one person that I want to talk to is out of reach. I am glad that he is in a better place and that he has no more pain but where does that leave me? When can I live without this pain in my life? That was a question I asked often and still ask occasionally. For the longest time, I felt as...
Post a Comment
Read more

If you just realize what I just realized...

I am not sure how to put into words what is brewing in my mind. It's not that it is something that is hard for me to understand or even that it is extremely emotional. I miss God. I miss him being the whole reason that I live. I miss him being in control of my life. I miss turning to him when I have a need, question, or talking session. This isn't a night where I am sitting on my bed crying because I miss my loved ones. It's a night of realization that I have been neglecting the most important person in my life. I have been allowing myself to blame and mistrust God. God took away MY dad and MY grandpa and MY grandma. I felt abandoned and that God stole something from me even though they were not mine to begin with. They were always, and still are, completely his. I have created this barrier between us because I have felt hurt and alone for a long time and it was all God's fault. I thought God had to prove to me that he was trustworthy. That he could do what he...
Post a Comment
Read more