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Y'all ready for this?

Pennsylvania…again. I don’t really know what it is about PA that keeps drawing me back to a place that is so far from everything I have ever known. I feel like I belong there. I feel connected to the people. I feel like I am at home. That feeling has not been attached to a place in a long time. Probably ever. You see, the longest that I have stayed in one place was 6 years when I was growing up. Home was always where my family was or where the people that I love live. It was not a house or even a town. Since being back in California and being able to reflect I have come to the conclusion that constantly moving while growing up has affected me more than I thought. I am a serial mover. I love the thrill of finding a new place to live and new things to do. It is exciting to explore a new area that I have never been to before. To find the local hot spots and learn how to get around on my own. I used to feel bad for it. You know, moving to a place for a co...
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Recent posts

I think I am ready to talk about it...

Yep. Let's talk. Obviously, I mean the Super Bowl. Apart from Beyoncé killing it during halftime, that was a shattering moment in my life. I know this sounds silly to many people but the Super Bowl means so much more to me than just a football game. It was my dad and my favorite holiday. We had a glimmer of hope this year and it never came to pass. Maybe I wanted it too much. Maybe it was too important. Maybe it was just out of my hands and was not going to be changed for the simple fact that I made a T-shirt (a very awesome one, if I do say so myself). I felt like I was part of something. A huge thing that I could celebrate. It consisted of something that was bigger than myself. It included all of the people around me that were just as excited. I went to the store a couple hours before the game and there were tons of people there and everyone was decked out in their favorite 49ers jersey, tshirt, jacket, or sweatshirt. There was a guy selling 49ers gear outside. ...
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The Silence...It's Deafening.

I am not even sure that title makes any sense except to me. I have been in California for 5 months now. I have not had anything to do other than to help out my mom and my sister. I am trying to get a job to make some money while I am out here. I picked up crocheting and baking again. I’m trying to push myself on the bike. The other day, I went 4 miles roundtrip. I know that is not a lot, but it is a start. I have been trying to fill the days with something. Anything to break the silence. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like silence. When I am cooking, I turn on the music. When I was in school, I had two or three movies that I would play while I was doing homework. Even while I am typing this I am listening to music so that I can focus. At least, that is what I tell myself. I am not so sure anymore. At some point, I have to deal with the silence. I have to approach the things that are going on in my head and the situations that have shaped who I am r...
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Secret ballot is an awesome thing.

You know, one of the beauties of democracy is the secret ballot. You can hear and read all of the ads, articles, radio shows, and sermons but once you step into the booth or check the box, it is all you. You have to make a choice between two people who are qualified to run the country but have different approaches. No one is putting a gun to your head or threatening your family or watching you in the ballot box to make sure you vote the right way. We may not have those extreme examples but we do have some people in powerful and persuasive positions that, I think, should not use their power to affect the vote of the people that follow them. This is America. The land of the free. Home of the brave. Why wouldn't people who are in positions of power either keep out of it or show both sides of the coin? My campus pastor in college did a wonderful demonstration in our chapel one day right before Election Day. He did the pros and cons of each candidate and then urged us to research ev...
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Singleness. I love it. No, seriously.

This is a random topic for me because I do not often talk about it but today is different for some reason. I think it has a lot to do with certain people interrogating me about dating habits or giving me unwarranted advice or "introducing" me to someone. It's hard not to think about it. I know that I do not have much knowledge or experience the relationship department but I think that I have become somewhat of a promoter of being single. Like if singleness had a PR position open, I would apply for it.  I enjoy being single. I enjoy the freedom that I have. I love going and coming whenever I want. I have accomplished so many things and have had so many great experiences that I would never want to take back.  I think being single in my 20s is a wonderful decision that I made. That's all. No buts. I just love it. It's when the relationship part becomes a possible reality that has me frazzled sometimes. I have had many examples of wonderful marriages/relatio...
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I coulda.....well, maybe if I woulda.....

I completely understand how ridiculous and crazy and wrong this is going to sound. I could have done something. Anything. I could have stopped my dad from dying in some way. Given him my kidney. Been there more often. Been a better daughter. Something! I feel like every time I think about my dad, I have this huge burden of guilt that I have been carrying this whole time. It's not totally unnecessary guilt. I wasn't there when he died. I was off being a good student leader and helping out with a choir retreat. As always, I put work before my family. The one time that it mattered the most for me to be there. I just wasn't. These feelings seem to keep getting stronger. It will be 6 years in January. It's supposed to get easier, right? I know that I have expressed this before but I miss being special. You know, that feeling that only a dad can give his daughter? The one that says no matter what you do or who you become, you will always be his little girl. Th...
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If you just realize what I just realized...

I am not sure how to put into words what is brewing in my mind. It's not that it is something that is hard for me to understand or even that it is extremely emotional. I miss God. I miss him being the whole reason that I live. I miss him being in control of my life. I miss turning to him when I have a need, question, or talking session. This isn't a night where I am sitting on my bed crying because I miss my loved ones. It's a night of realization that I have been neglecting the most important person in my life. I have been allowing myself to blame and mistrust God. God took away MY dad and MY grandpa and MY grandma. I felt abandoned and that God stole something from me even though they were not mine to begin with. They were always, and still are, completely his. I have created this barrier between us because I have felt hurt and alone for a long time and it was all God's fault. I thought God had to prove to me that he was trustworthy. That he could do what he...
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